July 11, 2017 at 9:04 pm #3030
This is my first canon submission to the Chronicles of Man universe. This short story has been in the works for several months and uses features of the Eirangardian assault on Asturia as the framing device. The protagonist, Corporal Rosa Vis, is a rebel fighting against the overwhelming occupation forces present on Asturia. In this story, I attempt to capture intensive and dramatic elements of ground combat using an array of literary devices while making characters compelling and fun to read about. Any and all feedback is welcome!
Special thanks to Josheua for permission to write about historical aspects of nations he has created, in addition to help with refining the story to better reflect canon and better storytelling.
Without further ado, here’s the story!July 26, 2017 at 3:14 am #3107
While the plot is good, it presently needs a bit of work. I have a hard time believing that she’d be serving with a friend who also would have had to go through a different training program. If the characters were more obviously militia, that would make more sense. Many of the things feel convenient rather than realisitic, and the characters’s got no bactstory.
That and all the monologuing near the end. Not really believable. It’s a fight, afterall.
There are a few areas where you break tense, usually in stating things that would be true at the time but they are not presented as such via sentence structure.August 1, 2017 at 3:37 am #3151
First of all, thank you for taking the time to read and offer some feedback regarding the story. I will be offering a few responses to what you have pointed out to hopefully clear things up.
1.) During the Eirangardian incursion on Asturia, the planet had no militia nor any formal military. Essentially, they hired Private Military Corporations and mercenaries to handle protection work. The people of Asturia were largely builders, merchants, and engineers. At the onset of the war, Asturia called for volunteers to join the fight against Eirangard. Due to the haphazard nature of fielding a volunteer army and the lack of bureaucratic structure to support the specializations we’d see in modern military forces, the presence of Asturians with various specialties and training levels is not only possible, but commonplace. This is doubly true for regions of intensive fighting such as the Naradian Forest. Simply put, the characters are not more obviously militia because the militia itself is kind of just thrown together with whoever would be willing to hold a weapon.
2.) On the point regarding the lack of a character backstory, I can definitely see your point. In defense of the work, this story is meant to be a small taste of the conflict and the entailed brutality. I had no intention of fully fleshing out characters with backstories as adequately achieving that task would require significantly more length to a story that I wanted to keep contained to a few pages. However, as I develop my skillset further, perhaps I can better convey character traits and personality without having to add much to the length. In any case, the lack of backstory is a fair thing to point out. I attempted to at least partially rectify that concern by adding the prologue bit, to add a human context to the story. Whether or not that was successful is up to you though.
3.) Would you be willing to elaborate more on your concern about the monologuing? The primary elements of the monologue, which I see as her comforting her dying friend and trying to get the technomancy gadget to work after discovering the impending airstrike, take place following the battle where there is no combat taking place around her. The premise of this assumption is that the airstrike implies that most of the Eirangardians would have fled or retreated in anticipation of the forest being reduced to ash. Perhaps that scene would benefit more from explicitly detailing the Eirangardians retreating to make way for the monologue?
4.) Would you be willing to provide a few examples of the tense breaking and how the sentence structure makes otherwise true information contradictory? I simply need to know an example so I can correct the behavior.
In any case. Thank you for taking the time to read and your elaboration will definitely help me going forward. This story is going to be reworked after a meeting where I was given new information about the war. So it will be removed from canon consideration. Regardless, I hope to submit a better version in the future and your feedback will definitely assist me in that regard.
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